Girls Bed Time Stories
What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48,
58, 68 and 78?
At 8 -
You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -
You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -
You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -
She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -
You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -
You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -
If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
At 78 -
If you can get her out of bed, that's another story!!!
01. -You've got a hole in your head.
02. -Your master strangles you all the time.
03. -Your head is smaller than the rest of you
04. -You shrink in cold water.
05. -You never get a haircut.
06. -You always hang around with 2 nuts.
07. -Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
08. -Your best friend is a p***y.
09. -Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
10. -Everytime you get excited, you throw up.
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you are the first to get up and you always rush to use the toilet first."
The husband replied, "You are in charge of cooking around here and the kitchen is your work place. Therefore it is your job to make me coffee every morning."
Wife responded, "Nope, I disagree. You should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "Thats about the worse excuse I have heard so far. I can't believe that, show me."
So the wife fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........
"HEBREWS"
Bob dies and goes to hell.
The devil calls him for a visit, in which he explains how things work: there is a selection of three punishments from which you have to choose one. The punishment change every thousand years.
In the first punishment room there is a young guy on the wall being whipped.
Bob, who is not keen to spend a thousand years like this, asked to see the next room. There he see a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.
Bob immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.
Bob jumps at the opportunity and takes the room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terribly, doctor, terribly."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
A husband takes his beautiful wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked upto the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: Broken glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,"she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.
"The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
DAAAA
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV, and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling:
"You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign for these! You sign!". Nelson says to him,
"Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling: "You sign! You sign!"
Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a
> knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting:
"You sign for these parts!! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name!
Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...........
"You not Nissan Main Dealer ?"
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Chinese had to leave Italy.
Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community.
So the Pope made a deal.
He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community.
If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese would leave.
The Chinese realized that they had no other choice.
So they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Peh to represent them.
Ah Peh asked for one condition to be added to the debate.
"To make it more interesting", he said, "neither side would be allowed to talk".
The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came.
Ah Peh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.
Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Ah Peh looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Ah Peh pointed to the ground at where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine.
Ah Peh pull out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said: "I give up. This man is too good.
The Chinese can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around The Pope asking him what happened?
The Pope said, "first I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity.
He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions."
"Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us."
He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us."
"I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin.
He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin.
He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Peh. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Ah Peh, "First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here.
I replied to him f*@k off and not one of us was leaving."
"Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese.
I showed him that we are staying right here."
"Yes, and then???" asked the crowd.
"I don't know", said Ah Peh, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!"
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote Iraq desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post, and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?".
"No, not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworths. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $20.00 .a lot quicker than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies. He deposits $20.00 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later.... The computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." "Thank you for shopping @ Woolies."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check
the results. He deposits $20.00, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Aisle7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1st
floor)
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.
Thank you for shopping @ Woolies.
A boy comes home one day and asks his mother, "What is KNN?"
Mother was watching TV and saw a monk in it and replies, "KNN is a monk"
Boy asks, "Then what is LJ?"
Mother replies, "Monk´s holy scriptures"
Another day the boy asks, "What is CB?"
Mother was doing the laundry so she replies, "Clothes"
Then boy goes out to play with his friends and along the way he saw a monk.
He asks loudly, "KNN, never take out your LJ ah?"
The monk is very shocked!!!
He demanded, "Boy, where is your mother?"
Boy replies loudly, " She is washing her CB lah!"
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would
like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and
shoutsat the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then
goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up
again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit peeved by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this
impromptu show off his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again.
"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage ......
"OK smart ass, you get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike
.........
and starts to sing ....
" A jazz chord to say I ruv you ..."
There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven.
God says, "There are 3,000 steps and i'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."
So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.
Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell.
On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.
Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, "what are you laughing about?", so she replies, "i just got the first joke!".
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.
A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree.
He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself."
"You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker.
"I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe!"
Here's one for all golfers.............
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."
"We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"
Once upon a time,in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on
the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your Castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauted frog legs seasoned in a white wine and lemon sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't f**king think so.
Wife : You always carry my photo in your wallet to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and I ask myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?
He took a good look at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humour.
A married couple was at the hospital to deliver their first baby.
The hospital had invented a machine that could transfer a portion of the
mother's pain through to the real father. The doctor asked if the couple wanted to try it out and they were very much in favour of it.
He then set the dial to give the husband just 10% of the pain that his wife would be feeling, explaining that this would probably be more pain than the man had ever experienced in his life before.
Soon after, the woman began to go into labour. As it went on, the man felt fine and as his wife was in agony, he asked for 20%.
After 10 minutes, the doctor checked and was amazed at how well the man was doing, he went for 50%.
The man still felt fine and since it was helping his wife out, he asked now for all the pain to be transferred to him.
His wife delivered a perfectly healthy baby with virtually no pain. The amazed doctor told the man that the pain he had endured would have killed any normal man.
The couple were ecstatic about their newborn and the pain-free way he was delivered.
Until they got home to find the milkman lying dead on their porch!
